It's been a week since I talked to him. I wasn't planning on talking to him today but I got a call saying the mortgage wasn't paid. he sounded sad. The conversation was short and the tone was business like. 10 minutes after I hung up I called him back and asked if we could meet on Tuesday to talk. He asked what about, which angered me. I needed a reason to talk to my still husband? So instead of saying that I responded with "Or I can just hand you your mail and be done with it." "No, we can talk." "Just let me know when and what time. Bye." Very sterile.
What is a jumble is what I want to say to him. I want to say I am I am done hitting my head against the wall and hurting myself. As long as he has so much resentment and anger towards me, it doesn't matter how much I love him or how hard I fight to save our marriage.
On May 11, I am having a breast ultrasound and then seeing a specialist for the results. I am telling my lawyer to send his lawyer the revised divorce petition for my husband to agree to. So, God willing the results are good news I can go straight from the specialist to my lawyer's office to sign the papers and he can have his divorce 30 days afterwards. If, God forbid, things go the other way then there will be no divorce, I will need the medical insurance.
I want to tell him that as of now all communication having to do with the house, bills etc. can be done by email. I don't want to continue reminding him how he feels about everytime he talks to me. I don't want to keep trying to decypher what he's thinking or feelingby the tone of his voice or the way he hesitates at the door when he's leaving. I need to recuperate my sanity and try to piece together some semblance of life. I'm 47 years old and after 11 years of marriage I have to start over again, because my husband never talked to me about how angry he was I never did anything to get rid of my family who was living with us. How he never said a word to me how he had stopped loving me as a woman until he told me he wanted to leave. Everything would have been fixable if only he had talked to me. There is no anger or bitterness towards him on my part I know what I did wrong.
I need to tell him to make arrangements for getting the little mail he still gets at our house, to transfer his prescription to a pharmacy closer to where ever he is living (he doesn't want me to know where he lives). More importantly, he needs to come and pick up the rest of his things that are still in our bedroom. His family pictures, countless books, all the things I gave him and he didn't want take with him.
I want to tell him that when he lets go all the resentment and anger, and take responsibility for half of wat happened to us; when he can talk to me with his heart on his sleeve; he can come look for me and I will be waiting. I am not the sole blame for the failure of our marriage and I have taken responsibility and acknowledge my faults. I have apologized over and over again. He has never apologized nor accepted my apologies. He keeps looking for things to blame me for to stay angry and justify what he is doing. I asked him how much longer is he going to punish me. He said nothing, he is still not talking to me. I can't keep knocking my head against such a thick wall, no matter how much I love him.
All that's left is the infinite sadness I will feel the rest of my life.
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