The Destruction of a Marriage

June 1, 2009 I ended my second blog with "all's well in my world". Nine months later nothing can be further from the truth. On the morning of December 18th my world started to swirl into a Dali painting. My "other" mother Blanca died. I may have been inconsolable but it didn't mean I didn't needed consoling. My husband, who was still in bed said "she died?" "Yes" He replied "Nothing can be done now." I went back to bed, laid my head on his chest expecting him to puut his arm around me, but he didn't. He turned on his side and kept sleeping.

I should have taken this as a sign things were bad between us. I didn't see it I was so hurt and angry at him I couldn't talk to him. To make things worse his mother, ex-brother-in-law, niece and nephew were coming from Venezuela for Christmas. I tried to be nice but I was so hurt he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. I even sent him an email telling him how I felt. It made no difference.

His family came on the 22nd. We celebrated Christmas eve. Even went to midnight mass which we never do. We opened present after mass and went to bed. He woke up early and left the house. He didnt come back until late afternoon. I spent all day fielding questions from his mother wanting to know where he was. All I kept saying was "I don't know." all day.

When he finally came back he went into my mother's room and I asked him what was going on. He said he didnt want to talk about it and because of my insisting he finally said "I'm leaving you. I need time to think, I'm confused and I dont think I love you anymore." For the secoond time in my life I got the "it's not you, it's me."speech. I asked him if there was the reality of someone else he said no. I asked if there was the possibility of someone, he said no. He left me crying in the room.

I got up and left the house. I spend 2 days with my sister. Not once did he call to find out where I was or how I was, not once. I spend 2 days crying non-stop, not even diazepan worked and not once did he call. I finally had to leave to attend a mass for Blanca. I had to explain to her family that I wasnt crying for Momma, who wouldn't want us to cry but celebrate her life. They were all dumbfounded by my news.

When I got home from my sister's house all he said was "How was the funeral" I said "The funeral is not until Monday." "Oh I thought you were with her family". "No I wasn't". I ended up going to the funeral with my daughter and my ex-husband.

His family didn't know what was going on during their stay with us. His mother was saying how happy she was knowing how well taken care of and loved he was. I told her I loved him more than ever.

I did tell the ex-brother-in-law what happened because the previous christmas his wife, my husband's sister, told him on Christmas she was taking the children on vacation and wanted him out of the house by New Year's. He was gobsmacked to say the least. He said that in the last two years it seemed we had grown stronger and more in love then ever. So did I. We had just been in spain for two weeks and he acted like he was still in love with me. We had the best time together.

They left December 30 for Miami their last leg of their vacation. That night I packed his suitcase, he was leaving the next day for 6 days. He acted distant yet like nothing had happened. I was so hurt that even taking a breath in front of him made me cry. The pain was searing, tearing at my insides and I had to be in control becaus ehis family was there and I wasn't going to make a scene. I was not going to be that kind of woman. No matter how much I wanted him to feel my pain, I was not going to scream or throw things at him. I was going to take the high road.

He left New Year's eve. At midnight he texted "Happy New Year", I looked and looked at it, I was so gobsmacked! How could he say that to me?? Didn't he just break my heart??

There's were I've been for the last three months. He has been out of the house since January 22. Two months already.

My Mind is all Jumble Mess

It's been a week since I talked to him. I wasn't planning on talking to him today but I got a call saying the mortgage wasn't paid. he sounded sad. The conversation was short and the tone was business like. 10 minutes after I hung up I called him back and asked if we could meet on Tuesday to talk. He asked what about, which angered me. I needed a reason to talk to my still husband? So instead of saying that I responded with "Or I can just hand you your mail and be done with it." "No, we can talk." "Just let me know when and what time. Bye." Very sterile.

What is a jumble is what I want to say to him. I want to say I am I am done hitting my head against the wall and hurting myself. As long as he has so much resentment and anger towards me, it doesn't matter how much I love him or how hard I fight to save our marriage.

On May 11, I am having a breast ultrasound and then seeing a specialist for the results.  I am telling my lawyer to send his lawyer the revised divorce petition for my husband to agree to. So, God willing the results are good  news I can go straight from the specialist to my lawyer's office to sign the papers and he can have his divorce 30 days afterwards. If, God forbid, things go the other way then there will be no divorce, I will need the medical insurance.  

I want to tell him that as of now all communication having to do with the house, bills etc. can be done by email. I don't want to continue reminding him how he feels about everytime he talks to me. I don't want to keep trying to decypher what he's thinking or feelingby the tone of his voice or  the way he hesitates at the door when he's leaving. I need to recuperate my sanity and try to piece together some semblance of life. I'm 47 years old and after 11 years of marriage I have to start over again, because my husband never talked to me about how angry he was I never did anything to get rid of my family who was living with us. How he never said a word to me how he had stopped loving me as a woman until he told me he wanted to leave.  Everything would have been fixable if only he had talked to me. There is no anger or bitterness towards him on my part I know what I did wrong.

I need to tell him to make arrangements for getting the little mail he still gets at our house, to transfer his prescription to a pharmacy closer to where ever he is living (he doesn't want me to know where he lives). More importantly, he needs to come and pick up the rest of his things that are still in our bedroom. His family pictures, countless books, all the things I gave him and he didn't want take with him.

I want to tell him that when he lets go all the resentment and anger, and take responsibility for half of wat happened to us; when he can talk to me with his heart on his sleeve; he can come look for me and I will be waiting. I am not the sole blame for the failure of our marriage and I have taken responsibility and acknowledge my faults. I have apologized over and over again. He has never apologized nor accepted my apologies. He keeps looking for things to blame me for to stay angry and justify what he is doing. I asked him how much longer is he going to punish me. He said nothing, he is still not talking to me. I can't keep knocking my head against such a thick wall, no matter how much I love him.

All that's left is the infinite sadness I will feel the rest of my life.